Dissociation Hoovers & Hoovering,
Here We Go Again. Many of us have experienced the phenomenon we call Hoovering, which is a metaphor derived from the popular (and effective) brand of vacuum cleaners. And just as dust gets caught up in the vacuum cleaner, many of us get sucked back in to the status quo when they attempt to escape a dissociated situation.
This is likely to happen when:
There has just been an emotional outburst, episode of violence or other extreme period of abuse; at the point where the dissociated realises we are likely to leave, retaliate or seek help from others.
We have starts to pull away from the relationship, leave the relationship or establish firmer boundaries within the relationship.
The dissociated internally feels unworthy and fears the loss of the relationship.
Dissociates liberally may shower their victim with gifts, compliments, promises, demonstrations of love and acts of affection in order to win back our faith, and therefore maintain the status quo.
Hoovering is one of the key components of an dissociation Cycle. It is the tactic which ensures many of the dissociated do not have to live alone. It can also act as the ‘plus’ side when we calculates our emotional balance sheet, manipulating them into sustaining the relationship.
Like a tango, it takes two: the person doing the hoovering and the person being sucked in.
How it Feels,Hoovering feels good -and that’s the point! When we are being hoovered, our warm-and-fuzzy buttons are all getting pushed, our feelings are getting validated, our needs are being met, our wildest dreams are coming true, our opinions matter, we are the most important person in the world to that certain person.
It often feels like vindication. We might find ourself thinking “Finally! The message is getting through! I’m not crazy after all! Now THAT is what I’m talking about! They really DO love me!” But watch out...
When you are starving for any emotional food, just about any kind of personal validation tastes wonderful. However, just because it tastes good, doesn’t mean it’s actually healthy or nourishing.
Manipulators are often adept at giving us enough of what they want to keep them where they want them. Even slave owners know that they have to feed them enough to keep them healthy and productive.
How do we know if a hoover is “real”?
It can be a struggle to work out whether a hoover really is a hoover, because it initially looks like it could be a sincere attempt at change by the dissociate whom we care about. And as shadow selves, that’s what we want!
The mistake in that logic is that it assumes that it can’t be both. Many really are sincere and really are trying when they also are hoovering. Dissociates who are hoovering you may not be consciously trying to manipulate you or deceive you. They may sincerely be trying, even hoping, to make it “better this time”. They may not be consciously lying when they make promises of change and put them into practice. They may be so convincing because they are so convinced, at least right now.
You are going to have to be like the adult in a parent-child relationship, who listens to their child’s black-and-white promises and says “Hmm, we’ll wait and see”.
If you’re not sure if you’re being hoovered you should wait and see. Take the long-term view. A person’s character is like an average of their behaviors over their lifetime. People can and do make positive changes in their lives sometimes, deciding to change their behavior for the better. Wait a year and see.
If you feel you can’t wait a year, it could be your relationship balance sheet is deeply in the red, which is an alarm bell worth listening to.
The Ten Stages is a studied recovery course. It is a source of reconnection a method of unlearning and a reintroduction to our child within which leads us back to our one true intuitive voice.We start to learn and come out of our protective dysfunctional shell and reclaim our lives. www.thetenstages.com
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